It will never not hurt...

I had to take a day off yesterday. I was feeling horrible. But besides the physical pain, I know my main issue is psychological.

I miss my mommy. Yes, another grown man who is still just a child inside. Cry me a river.

And that's what I did, the other day. I cried at work when my coworker was playing Anita Baker, because my mom used to play her all the time. Then I cried at home, much harder.

I tried to shake it off, but the sadness just kept coming back. So I drank, and I tried to tap into the old energy I used to have when was in the raunchy rap group, “Adult Film Stars” and when I was on Hitman Sammy Sam's album “Still Intoxicated”.

This was when I was loud, overall more outgoing, and felt like I could do whatever I wanted. Honestly, I was fueled by drugs and alcohol.

I really wasn't that confident back then, and I know it was obvious to anyone looking. Still, nostalgia has a way of making the past seem so much better than it really was.

I miss my mommy, and not because she's dead now. I've missed her since I was 8 years old.

Here we go again with the foster home talk.

Trying to suppress my pain about those years has been the number one thing that has been messing up my mind.

I miss my mommy, because I felt like she never really liked me. So I choose women who don't want me as the ones I obsess over. I ignore women who are interested in me, and secretly am happy to be alone.

Getting married young taught me that I don't want the government involved in my relationship. This also taught me that I shouldn't be in a relationship until I work on my issues.

So, back to the other day, I wrote a semi raunchy rhyme and posted it, I went on a couple of rants about the MaNoSpHeRe, and I got sick. My stomach was torn up, and then my knee was swollen. So I stayed home yesterday.

I didn't post anything. I just wanted to chill out and feel better. And I did.

This morning I looked myself in the eye while looking in the mirror. I told myself that my mom is gone. But I am still here. I can't give up on myself. I can't go down the road to self destruction. I can't reverse time and be in my 20s again. I must be better.

I know that being better doesn't happen overnight. And what does that even mean anyway? Better at what? Well, I think I figured it out.

I must be better at enjoying the beautiful things in my life, and not focusing on anything else. I must be better at expressing myself. I must be better at everything I do online. I must be better at not stressing. I must be better at helping out, at listening before speaking, at showing love to those who have been in my life.

I know that I am blessed to be living in America at this time, with a roof over my head, and a job. Sure I will work on getting a car, and my own place, but I'm in a lot better of a situation than many people. One of my friends is currently homeless, and since I am not in a position to help her out with living with me, since I am already living in someone else's house, I choose to send her money when I can.

I said all of that for a reason. I need to remember that I am not in a bad situation at all. Even when I was unemployed and almost evicted, I still wasn't in nearly as bad of a situation as I felt. Things will work out. I know it. All I have to be is ready and honest.

It will never not hurt when I think about my past, but I won't let it destroy me.

As of late, I have been getting comments on my rhymes full of praise. I know I am not trying to be a worldwide pop star, I just want to make music. One of my collaborators hit me with a few new beats recently, and I was writing to them. The subject matter got sad, and I had to chill.

Later on I will try again from the beginning, since I want to put the best energy in the universe, not more depressing stuff. That doesn't mean I will fake it, I just want to make sure I get it right with how I feel now.

Anyway, that is all I have to say right now. Talk to you later.