At the doctor...

I have been seeing signs of my demise lately.

So now I sit, waiting to see a doctor. Been putting it off, but this is important.

Although I am afraid of what I will be told, I am equally afraid that I will be told nothing. I've been to the doctor at times when I was really hurting, and the prescription was pain pills, along with a hefty bill.

But after looking up my symptoms and what they could be signs of, I have to know what is going on…

Just saw a nurse, they are going to do a more thorough evaluation. Now I wait. Already paid the copay, I don't have insurance, and I am terrified.

If I didn't purposely isolate myself, I would call someone just to talk and ease my mind.

But I decided to be alone. Yes, I live with other people, but I stay in my room.

I go to work, smile, do my best, then leave.

My years of doing foolish things have brought me to this point.

I would rather be alone than go through the pain that comes with relationships.

I have destroyed good relationships because of my foolish yet foundational abandonment issues, my ignorance, and my coldness...

Instead of blaming anyone else, or continuing to hate myself, I will make a decision to focus.

Regardless of what I am told today, I will dedicate more time to health. I have to eat better. That's good.

…

And now, two days later, after finding out that I was overreacting, I still feel the same way about focus.

I was given some medicine, and I have a couple of appointments to do a more thorough evaluation, but I'm actually in good health otherwise.

This was a wake up call for me. I sit at my job, here early and writing this before I go clock in. I plan on not over doing it, as I usually do. No, today I will pace myself, and have a good day.